Storm

^ Down my road ^
There is going to be a storm on the island today. I took a photo about an hour ago and it still hasn't started. I get really excited about storms, i love the build up and noise, like someones falling down stairs. Just SO much energy, power and how we cant do a thing about it. Beautiful Chaos. I think I'll always be pressed up against a window looking for a lightening bolt or counting how many elephants or hippopotamus's' until the next grumble of the clouds. I love how that when you get older you aren't afraid of storms as much as you were when you were younger. Apparently i used to get really excited about storms when i was little, jump on the bed while my niece would be crying. one time that did scare me was when i was on Holiday in America when i was 15. We were at a ranch and suddenly out of no where there was hail, rain and a horrific force of wind that blew everything off the table we sitting at outside. A perfect storm, everything was there and everything happened yet it was over in a matter of 20 minutes. Brilliant how much panic everyone had to get inside, i think it frightened all of us especially as we were away from home. One of those memories where it is picture perfect in your mind. Funny how something that is meant to be unsettling can relax me...

"Everything is broken,
Even if its new, Right out of the box"

Not sure why that reminded me out this quote from a poem. But i really can relate to it. Not sure why or how but it draws me in a little.

Met up again with kylee for a day out. Mainly shopping for our hearts content and a catch up. The trains were the same as they have always been, slow, depressing and full of characters you wouldn't want to bump into down an alley way. Some girl who was throwing daggers sitting across me had the most idiotic conversation on the phone. One of those phone calls where you can't not hear it. Ridiculous, she was bragging about having a fight with some girl about who was a slut. Along the lines of "she called me a slut and i was like err what I'll show you who's a slut" Making it sound like they wanted the title! i couldn't help but pull faces specially when she finished the phone call with... "Ah Na, we did have a fight... don't worry I'm a good fighter, my grandad was a boxer" Proper scummy.
My ipod died after five minutes as I'm so impatient with chargers, they take their bloody time. Finally got to Canterbury and i had forgotten my debit card. Great. i had 15 pound on me. then to kylees amazing thinking, i opened an online banking account, transferred money etc thanks to kylee! Hurrah! day not spoiled.
The weather was gloomy which was normal surprisingly i forgot. I bought a hoodie straight away to keep warm.
I was SO happy i was with kylee, she is one of the few people who bring out the best in me. we were shouting Bree being stupid and doing crab runs along the pavement with claws. I even done a Roley poley in the rain in public. Just sudden energy when I'm around her, such a lovely atmosphere. Makes me realize how sad it is without her.
The day went well, it consisted of kylee shouting at builders for the noise, then a horrible silence that was only broken with hysterical laughter. We tried on dresses in top shop that wouldn't fit our top halves, a long time spent in Anne summers talking to the women in disgust that people return toys. How horrible!! they have gloves behind the counter. although to be fair if you were going to work there you would have to expect some grim encounters.
Dressed up in gangsta clothing along with rude boy caps and we both actually wanted the hats! we were both expecting to slap each other wearing them like what the hell are you wearing! NO! but we liked it ha ha.
Met more of kylee/Jamie's friends in Starbucks. me and Kylie kept laughing at some girl who kept eying us up. I mean seriously.
Kylee is lovely :)

I'm back to where i was a year from now,
the same thought lingers on,
i seem to keep losing myself somehow,
but places and people, are all but gone.

Went to Canterbury today with George and Mike. George drove.

Mainly went to meet kylee for the first time in months. Missed her hell of a lot lately, specially with us with so much news for each other, being away at uni and all. we've been dying to see each other.

Met her new boyfriend. Jamie. Very sweet, first words to him were "Wow your huge!" not in a harsh way, he was just very tall and I'm the opposite.

Funny how when me and kylee meet up we seem not to breath when we are talking just a none stop rambling of words but mainly noises. we always just seem to make noises rather than talk and we know exactly what we both mean. a noise like Merggggggggggggh which is meant to represent wtf or i can't be bothered or waving our hands around in a claw meaning your excited. Bit strange but i love little things like that.

We let our little group to grab something to eat and have a quick girly chat. Got to McDonald's and for some reason nicked loads of straws. Some guy was playing the flute outside so kylee danced around in a stylish fashion to the music bumping into a gang of old women while i played my straw like a flute skipping around like the pied piper. After a while we ran away in hysterics as we couldn't risk losing any more dignity. Still with the straw in my mouth some homeless man shouted "you should quit smoking" apparently i was using a straw as a cigarette. OK then mate... on your own. me and kylee thought it would be funny to blow him a kiss but when we did it the straw got stuck in my mouth so..... it didn't work out as planned ha ha.

God, I've missed her.

Weight

got a new dress today. i have been waiting over two weeks for this.
I finally got it, everyone liked it, try it on. I'm too skinny. size 10 small. Everyone said i should be happy I'm tiny but I'd rather fill out my outfits that feel like I'm wearing a bag.
my weight needs to sort it out.

Mark went back to Liverpool today which went a bit too fast for my liking.

Brighter news other than my growing vanity. Its cesca's fake birthday today and were having cocktails and a BBQ in her honour. she walked in two hours ago and nearly cried. exciting. :) nothing better than a home made pina colada and a burger. Later were going to an event at the uni union which is titled freaks. Cesca and me are going. cescas a ring leader... i think that's what they called. i am going as a bearded lady as i strangely enjoy making myself look like a complete idiot.

Dazed

when i read i tend to picture myself as the character I'm reading about.

a particular scene I'm reading, gave me shivers up my back along with a big smile to follow. I then wondered what it would look like from an outsiders view watching me react to the book like i am. Weirdo?

Getting into a book is heavenly.

relationship reality.

Surfing on myspace.com i came across a site called "Stay teens" and really admired it. It is to support teenagers to not be influenced by others with sex, pregnancy and practically everything and it really touched me. that feeling when you read something and afterwards think: Yeah i was right :) I read a article about what the true things are with falling in love and they've made me think clearer.

What love should be/ is:

• Supportive - does your boyfriend or girlfriend encourage you? Attend your baseball game, even though they couldn't be less interested in sports? Do they show up for the play you have a part in even though you're on stage for less than a minute (and you're dressed as a horse)? A love relationship means supporting your partner's interests - even when they don't coincide with your own.

• Unconditional - nobody likes being criticized. But when it's your significant other doing the smack-talking it's much more hurtful...a boyfriend or girlfriend who spends more time belittling you than sweet-talking you is not worth your love.

• Generous - when you're coupled up, suddenly the emphasis is more on the us than on the me. That's not to say that suddenly your feelings go out the window...instead, part of being in a healthy relationship is balancing what you need with what someone else needs. Sometimes it's tough to do, but real love involves generosity of your time.

What love isn't:

• Controlling - this kind of love won't let you be you. Instead, your partner calls the shots and tells you what to do, when, and for how long. Instead of an equal footing, your partner dominates the relationship and always decides what is “best for us".

• Conditional - love that is based on meeting a standard of performance; you have to do something or be something in order to earn the love. So don't dare gain a few pounds, make friends with the wrong crowd, or suddenly stop doing well in your sport.

• Based on lust - this is love based on excitement. Instead of understanding your partner from the inside out - falling for them based on who they are, this kind of love only sees the physical aspects of a relationship.

Reading this really made me happy about not being in my past relationship and excited about a new one. i love the word unconditional. :) unconditional. ahhh :) lovely. i probably am being really soppy but that website gave me what i needed to hear. Meaningful dating relationships involve an emotional investment from both partners. There are lots of types of love, and falling for the wrong reasons can leave you unfulfilled and unhappy. Of course, figuring out whether what you're feeling is truly love is most likely harder said than done... I think you can feel it inside you, that feeling that makes you close your eyes and grin, that feeling you don't even have to ask what love is.

...

I really really don't like you anymore

bad habit?

Have you ever had those moments where you realize all your habits? good and bad. maybe both?
I seem to be obsessed with paper and books; how they are made, what i could do with them and the possibilities they hold. Think it's starting to become unhealthy. Becoming a hoarder like the old women in labyrinth with all the junk on her back (above) But anyway! I'm really inspired by Kara walker and Eliza Mora. Beautiful work, but i always look back and wonder am i just fiddling with paper? is this actually amounting to anything other than the scrap of paper i was given at the start.
Maybe it's just what i think with all my work, whats the end product and was it worth it? like the quote from the film, girl next door "is the juice worth the squeeze?" will i always see my work as the scrap of paper i started with?